"My problem is that my nature contradicts many important points of the Bible... I always knew that I was gay... What this meant was that I had to avoid admitting this truth to myself and others (partly because I didn't want to be so different)... It also forced me to lie to the only people that chose to be around me. I didn't have a lot of friends in any of the places that I lived, and those ones that I did have were hard to keep."
"I sat there that one night you came to my room and thought about how great it had been to talk with you... something started to scare me. 'Will I have to leave her too,' I thought to myself... I avoid people in general because I haven't learned to deal with my feelings... I say that I don't want to hurt anyone but I do so willingly anyway just so that I won't hurt myself."

"My father (this is the ideal one) would take me out--just the two of us--to go explore the world... my mother (again, the ideal one) would spend some time with me teaching me how to deal with evil in the world... I wouldn't be afraid (for a first) while they were around."
"I had thought of running away early on through my teenage years. The problem was always that my mother needed me too much... I felt somewhat suffocated. Don't get me wrong, I love my parents... in a way. But I just feel so different."

"My 'coming out' to you became much more than a confession; you made it easier for me to be myself."
"You said things went down hill after a while but they did not --they really didn't it. That river that this world swims in, the one that I met you on, took us far but it began to diverge. As it did, you held on to me with the current against my breath and I began to drown."
"I've always been astonished by how incredible you mind works, knowing that within you lies some awful power that could save us all. That consideration, that passion you believe rests in my soul, only lies in your own."
"Thank you so much for your friendship, Julia, but please don't destroy me with your love. Remember there's a world out there that must one day accept us for who we are. You ought to remember that—you taught it to me.”

(To himself) "No one here knows how hard I try to fit in or how terrible I feel day to day. This to me this would be hell--having a constant reminder of how I don't comply with this world or how unsuccessful I really am. I don't have a boyfriend and the worst part is that I really want one. I have to live in a place where I see men and potential dates but I never have a real chance to talk with them."

(To a Jehovah's Witness friend) "...A world, different, holy, evil, and beautiful. This world is my life."

(To himself) "I can't help but feel sorry for myself that I have tried everything possible to find a satisfying relationship with another guy and found zero success... I am still a coward. I hate myself for that... I don't feel comfortable being myself because I am a shallow coward who can't admit his own feelings."
"I feel like such a loser for how I approached this relationship. I don't know moderation. I didn't have any tact when I talked with him on the phone... I said that I was the devil."

(To himself) "I should just pay for a prostitute and get this over with. The only problem that I have is with sex and that is it. I don't care about anyone else. I shouldn't have to... I should be doing something more significant. I hate all of this."

(To himself) "I just want to be free to love who I want to love and I want to have that love reciprocated. This has never happened to me and I feel as if this world is against me... I suppose I am also very unapproachable to those who don't know me. I just don't like people who have outstanding, loud personalities. It seems so fake and utterly superficial. That disappoints me and makes me want to vomit."

(To himself; to Michael, unsent) "Love is at your door—why are you turning me down! Is it my appearance? I can work on that. I can try to be everything attractive in a man and more. Is it my personality? I'll be as relaxed and as sensitive and kind as you would like me to be--just give me a commitment. I swear I won't let you go. Just be here for me. Be with me!"

"Why does someone in love continue to give to someone unresponsive. Could it be that he hopes to win the affection of that special somebody through a series of gifts or "charities" because he knows that anything meaningful like reciprocated love does not exist in that relationship and cannot be extended. Does he realize that he's lying to himself?"

(To himself) "I am very tired, lonely, and unwilling to put myself through this again. So I began the "cold-shoulder" treatment with him... I believe that he was very interested in getting my attention (bastard!). I believe that he wanted something from me. I can't be sure what this was--acknowledgement of his presence, small-talk, closure, a simple smile perhaps--but it certainly did not go anywhere near asking me out."

"I won't take gifts without a shield and sword--so be on guard. I'm not going to just let you come by and throw these "friendly" things in front of me like I'm some dumping ground for expressions of need."

"Don't bother writing to me anymore. Again, I won't answer your e-mails. Don't try to talk to me. You aren't someone who would understand me, not even if you continued studying me for...well for ever, I suppose. It's not worth it to either of us."

(To an escort/prostitute) "I've been looking for a first-time experience with another man for a while now... I would be willing to pay a certain amount to have your company for sometime. I'm tired of romantic hassles, but I'm a hard worker. Will you give me a chance."

(To "Steve", a middle-aged man looking for discreet sex with younger men on OutPersonals.com)
"I guess to answer you question about what I am looking for, I can say that at this point I have no clue... You seem interesting to me because you have chosen me specifically because of my youth... Additionally, you seem educated and intelligence is, like you said, somewhat rare among other gay guys."

(To Darcy) "If I know a person for a very long time, at least I think, that person becomes too common, too ordinary... Another thing is that when someone begins to think that I am unique, or in some way special, two things happen to me. One, I lose my head and allow my pride to replace it. I get this unhealthy dose of self-righteousness that I cannot reject. Two, I start to think less of the person who sees me as unique, special. I think that precise thing happens because I don´t feel as if I am worthy of appreciation and am unfit for love."
"I think I have the capacity to be more superficial than anyone else, but I also work like a coin tossed in the air. And sometimes I´m flipped up and sometimes flipped down. I only wish I could control this process."

(To Darcy) "I have made a decision to not write to you anymore this year because I want to see you and talk to you in person and because I want to start over again, or resume what was put off... You don´t have to write back. I´ll tell you now (but I could be lying) that I won´t write back."

(To Daniel) "I love you so much and can´t wait for you to get back... I care about you so much that it worries me."
"I met you (that was the difficult part). I suppose at the very least I can say that I know what it is I´m looking for... I think what I want to do most with you is create new experiences with you and have lots of good discussions (and of course laughs too). This would really make my life great I think."
"I love you very much even if sometimes I don´t say it or sometimes don´t reflect it well enough. Your a part of me that I keep reserved like a secret of some sort that is a treasure and weapon and many other things. I am a stronger person because of you."

(To Darcy) "I've been thinking of the benefits of independence/being single... I think of more space and less responsibility when I think about being alone. I don't know if it is good to have this much space or not but it means (for me) that I don't have to worry about flirting with anyone or wondering if my other half is alright."
"The guys that I've wanted to go out with haven't been persons that I would fight for. I did not know them well, but I don't think that I respected them too much either. It could be bitterness speaking now, but I think I'm more bitter that I haven't found a quest or a fellowship and may never in this lifetime. Life is so lame (or maybe I am)."

(To Darcy) "I got so upset I started talking to myself and cursing this other person's existence... 'You deserve a break, sir,'... I kept repeating to myself until I started a sort of schizophrenic self-praising fit. And I tend to indulge myself when I'm that angry."
"/b//r/an/d//on or whatever name works"

"My brother is writing me and... you have no idea what torture my family can put me through. He wants to visit me in Russia. And besides that I think he wants me to be a brotherly shoulder to cry on... I think I won't reply to him for a month or two until he gets the idea. He and my mom scare me more than hell."

(To Daniel) "I've also realized here, Daniel, that our relationship isn't strong enough for me here. I don't feel like I have a boyfriend here. It shouldn't be that distance separates couple or destroys their relationship. And yet that's taking place... I've thought about this a lot and I know that it's just not strong enough for me; however, I still don't know why it's not strong enough."

(To Daniel) "When we weren't together I felt as if I wasn't loved. I didn't know why that was and felt as if I couldn't explain that to you. There were many times when you weren't around and even many times when you were around... During those times, I felt as if I could stop calling and that would end the relationship. I had the chance to simply stop worrying and the opportunity to end the relationship. Maybe I was really in love with you and then I just couldn't take worrying about us."

"I don't think that I like you very much, or maybe I mean to say I like you less and less when you simultaneously attack and bow before my feet... I don't like the perspective from which you think and therefore don't want to solicit your opinion."
"You were wondering why I thought you were cold. Mostly, it's because you have rarely made me feel like a friend for you, but always like an object of desire. And object like gold or something rare and without meaning except for a relative/ subjective definition. I'm just rare for you but to others and to myself I can be just me."
"I feel degraded by you, like I'm constantly being held to your subjective criteria that don't make sense to me. Some twisted parents who plan their kids' lives out at birth think along the same lines as you."
"I'm growing very impatient with your bullshit. You better watch what you say around me and about anyone of my friends."

"I choose to stand before some, like you, with indifference, because all you attempt to do is change me based upon things you've learned about me only so that I'll show you the most attention... I behaved differently around you when we first met because I did not know that you were in such need and your need for attention is too much for me."
"I would wager more on the chance that [Stephan] could be my friend, than on a continued friendship with you. I base this on what I know and that is this: when I'm with a person like him, I like being alive and when I'm with you, I feel like a piece of gold."