"He searched my face for love and friendship, recognition, the history we had together, the playfulness of the past, our visceral bond, and possibly the future I couldn't see written in my eyes."

Brandon gets offered his first job as a lawyer.
"I am anxious because I really want this job, but I can't calm down and just get through this day without worrying about whether I will actually get this job."

"Here is that poem I said I['d] send..."

"I called yesterday because I need your address. It's actually a laughable situation..."

J: "I'm still angry as hell about wasting a year of my life, trying to help him find a job in the US... while he was screwing his student!"

"I am a little bit relieved that you are getting frustrated, only because it means you still have those principles you advocated so many years ago."

J: "It seems you keep gravitating towards bad boys because their little misdemeanoors make them seem more exciting, independent and seductive--because perhaps you wish you could have done the same things with just as light a heart as they."

"The magic of [college days] is in the air this morning. I feel it like a summoning and wish."

"I felt butterflies talking to him, like a squeeking-voiced teenager trying to sound cool. He told me about a guy he was casually dating and I silently applauded myself for keeping my cool and not getting aggravated. It wouldn't have served anyway: I would have still been lost on him and he would've been unfairly flattered. So I listened like a lawyer to a client's story."

"I'm going to visit Steve... My plan is to surprise him there, but I'm really nervous. We should talk and strategize."

"It was an extra-ordinary weekend and I'm feeling depressed I had to leave him."

"I need a good love story, something inspiring."

J: "You need to be whole on your own first... In our natural, initial state, darkness and all, we scare others. They feel exposed, probed, transparent, loomed over by something heavy and powerful that they can't name."

"I notice (at least in my gym), that the "telling" part of gaydar is in the slightly prolonged glance of the attractive male 20 yards away, how he holds his glance just a little longer than usual, how his movement is multilayered, one forced thrust over one natural."
"I would be happy with genuine friends, those who are physically proximate; and, if there is not inherent connection, then I will use patience to build them, replacing kindred with history, soul with quest."

J: "You flaking out EVERY time you find a boyfriend has caused me enough pain and frustration."

"If you do [write him], you should not tone down the underlying animosity. Let it rise like the good bile he inspires and pour out like the mess he's left behind."

"I can't believe you're this close and I can't just hop a plane and visit... I think I'm changing and I want to talk to you more about that."

J: "I'm not going to play voicemail tag."

"Life is interesting, calm right now. There are a lot of characters who are starting to *stick*."

J: "If you want to be able to take advantage of the comfort a friendship provides when some crisis hits you, you have to be willing to maintain it the rest of the time."

"I have felt a bit smothered by [SNC]. I realized today that I am becoming entrenched in our relationship, and it is not as if I can ever dig my way out..."

Brandon recounts a complex dream.

"I feel like my soul is healing with solitude. I remember too much loneliness is painful, but this time has been very helpful. I miss it and hope to have more time like this in the future."

Brandon and Julia plan to meet up in LA.

Julia is in LA again for work; this time Brandon doesn't feel like meeting up.

"I'm not worried these days about you invading my privacy. In fact, it'd be interesting to see you hack my account to rearrange my profile, like someone breaking into a home to rearrange furniture. I wonder how different it would look if you were shaping things."
"If he were presented with three gifts--wealth, love, or knowledge-- but could only select and retain one, he would select knowledge. I realized I would choose love... I find myself chasing after (mostly) men (I say mostly men because there are women like yourself who I really want to get to know well). He chases scientific inquiry."

"I'm still so pissed I missed your wedding. Someday, money will be less of an issue."
All I am hoping for at this point is for someone to follow through and actually show up on a date."

J: "This kind of banal slow rot is caused by being in the rat race of pursuing people you don't love because the 'culture' expects it and expects you to base your self-esteem on it."

"I'm really worried about my brother... I think [he] is becoming an alcoholic but I'm not sure. I still think he needs therapy, but I don't know how to motivate him to seek help.

"Outside of work, I'm lonely... Jason broke up with me last week. I feel bad for him, and I actually said a prayer (and I haven't done that in a while). He asked me who I had slept with and I told him, and then he said he couldn't do this anymore... From his perspective, he needs someone who can "honor" him (i.e. not sleep with other guys), and that someone needs to be very patient since he won't see Jason for weeks or days at a time."

J: " We haven't talked for over a month and in all that time I tried to call you multiple times, you tried to call me once... I give up."

"That's it with my vacation. I'm sad (and angry at no one in particular but myself) that it is over. I don't look forward to seeing my co-workers, the judges, or clients."
"I realize I don't like being a lawyer anymore; it's too stressful. Unfortunately, there is nothing else I can think of doing right now that would bring me as much joy (other than traveling, and perhaps writing). On the bright side, it is very interesting work, and I won't be bored (just very busy). What I dread most is that I won't be living life so much as grinding away."

"When you were here, I realized this [work] assignment turns me away from people and more into myself. It's really gross actually, like spooning tasteless food into my mouth. I know I can do this, and I know it will be fine, but I, too, feel like I'm dying slowly... my relationships are suffering, and I'm punishing those around me."

J: "I learned that if I dress up for someone else's party you would gush, but if I write a poem for you, you wouldn't even acknowledge it. I guess the latter is a throwback to the time when you looked through me as if I were invisible."

J: "I can't even express my happiness around you... When I woke up in your living room and the first thing I saw was you making coffee, I wanted to laugh with happiness, and why shouldn't I? When you say you are sad or when I see that you are, I want to hug you, would that be so terrible? I always stop myself, because every time in the past you have stopped me, with remarks like the one above, or with negative body language... I can't express my sadness in person either. This time when I visited you, you said several times how you wanted to give a particular person a hug when you thought they needed it... The few times when I've freely expressed sadness in front of you, not only there was none of that but your body language was saying you wished I were gone."

J: "I hadn't heard about gay misogyny before you mentioned it, but a web search reveals it's a common narrative. Which means you likely got it from someone else--who was it? Did you or your therapist mention it first?"

J: "As if you'd be satisfied with just one significant person in your life. For you "significant people" may be the guys you date and/or sleep with, and for me they may be a husband and a friend. I don't see anything wrong with that."

J: "We understand each other in a way that our partners can't [understand us]. That has little to do with what role you give another person in your life and much to do with their nature and what parts of it they have chosen to cultivate."

J: "Want to be a friend? Then don't lie to me, don't ignore me, don't use me for comfort when you feel bad and then discard me when you feel better, don't neglect to give comfort when I feel bad. And don't act righteous and accuse me of attacking you when I simply state that every time you did these things, I noticed, I knew, and it hurt me."

"If you're trying to write me off because it's too painful to try to be friends with me, then say that."

J: "Sometimes I have nightmares feeling anxiety that I don't experience in real life and haven't since [college]. In these nightmares, you aren't talking to me and I'm trying to fix it."