"No one here knows how hard I try to fit in or how terrible I feel day to day. This to me this would be hell--having a constant reminder of how I don't comply with this world or how unsuccessful I really am. I don't have a boyfriend and the worst part is that I really want one. I have to live in a place where I see men and potential dates but I never have a real chance to talk with them."

"I can't help but feel sorry for myself that I have tried everything possible to find a satisfying relationship with another guy and found zero success... I am still a coward. I hate myself for that... I don't feel comfortable being myself because I am a shallow coward who can't admit his own feelings."
"I feel like such a loser for how I approached this relationship. I don't know moderation. I didn't have any tact when I talked with him on the phone... I said that I was the devil."

"I should just pay for a prostitute and get this over with. The only problem that I have is with sex and that is it. I don't care about anyone else. I shouldn't have to... I should be doing something more significant. I hate all of this."

(To himself; to Michael, unsent) "Love is at your door—why are you turning me down! Is it my appearance? I can work on that. I can try to be everything attractive in a man and more. Is it my personality? I'll be as relaxed and as sensitive and kind as you would like me to be--just give me a commitment. I swear I won't let you go. Just be here for me. Be with me!"

"I am very tired, lonely, and unwilling to put myself through this again. So I began the "cold-shoulder" treatment with him... I believe that he was very interested in getting my attention (bastard!). I believe that he wanted something from me. I can't be sure what this was--acknowledgement of his presence, small-talk, closure, a simple smile perhaps--but it certainly did not go anywhere near asking me out."

(To an escort/prostitute) "I've been looking for a first-time experience with another man for a while now... I would be willing to pay a certain amount to have your company for sometime. I'm tired of romantic hassles, but I'm a hard worker. Will you give me a chance."

[Brandon sets up a blind date in NYC with "Steve", a middle-aged man looking for discreet sex with younger men.] "I guess to answer you question about what I am looking for, I can say that at this point I have no clue... You seem interesting to me because you have chosen me specifically because of my youth... Additionally, you seem educated and intelligence is, like you said, somewhat rare among other gay guys."

(To Darcy) "I've been thinking of the benefits of independence/being single... I think of more space and less responsibility when I think about being alone. I don't know if it is good to have this much space or not but it means (for me) that I don't have to worry about flirting with anyone or wondering if my other half is alright."
"The guys that I've wanted to go out with haven't been persons that I would fight for. I did not know them well, but I don't think that I respected them too much either. It could be bitterness speaking now, but I think I'm more bitter that I haven't found a quest or a fellowship and may never in this lifetime. Life is so lame (or maybe I am)."

(To Daniel) "I've also realized here, Daniel, that our relationship isn't strong enough for me here. I don't feel like I have a boyfriend here. It shouldn't be that distance separates couple or destroys their relationship. And yet that's taking place... I've thought about this a lot and I know that it's just not strong enough for me; however, I still don't know why it's not strong enough."

(To Daniel) "When we weren't together I felt as if I wasn't loved. I didn't know why that was and felt as if I couldn't explain that to you. There were many times when you weren't around and even many times when you were around... During those times, I felt as if I could stop calling and that would end the relationship. I had the chance to simply stop worrying and the opportunity to end the relationship. Maybe I was really in love with you and then I just couldn't take worrying about us."

"I told Stephen: 'You know you're going to get bored of me, right?' He said that he wouldn't, astonished that I said that to him. I was right and he knew it... The second time I affected him, I was holding him in my arms, enjoying our exclusive moment alone like a child with his chocolate prize. 'Who's going to take care of you when you get older,' I asked him. 'What!? No one...I will...I can't believe you said that.'"

"I'm so angry. I'm angry he called and informed me about his life, because now I can't fantasize that we're going to get back together or that he's been thinking about me this whole time and not been dating another guy. I want to kill this other guy, then kill Steve."

"Why did I fall in love with him? I think it's because he called me regularly, because his laugh was one of the most beautiful sounds I'd ever heard..., because he was vulnerable when I found him and deadly. I also liked him because I was superficial and upon learning from several people that they thought he was hot, my perception of him changed. Suddenly, when I looked at him, I looked at him caring what other people thought... At the same time, Steve made me feel special, to a point that I began wanting him more, like some high-inducing drug."

"what I want is a buddy whose humor matches mine, someone who jokes with me during a movie as we jointly criticize its faults. It wouldn't matter that no one else got us. I want someone who can look at other people with me like we were analyzing an articifical island through a toy lens."

"You're right, I'm obsessed with guys. That's my nature."
"I'll do anything, almost anything to have that feeling, even if it means trying to make his life better despite his indifference... I'm sure there has to be some guy out there who's like the Jon in my dreams, someone I'd be willing to take a bullet for, someone over whom I'd cry like a five year old when we were separated."

"I asked David [...] if I could count on spending time with him one-on-one because I need someone to hold and be affectionate with... Tired of being rejected and rejecting myself, I want to put my arms around him and just hold him."
"Yes, a doormat I would be, but one who chooses to feel even a shade of passion, even if it's just a foot brushing across the surface. What else is there to feel when no one else comes knocking?"

"for some reason, I could not have sex with him. I wanted to, but my body didn't... I left early hating how the night ended and the morning began. I couldn't help but think that sex with him should be easy, enjoyable. But my mind is disconnecting from him and my body won't follow without it. There's some error in being who I am, I think. I really like this guy; I'm infatuated with him, willing to go all the way love allows. That's what I say, but there must be something wrong if I still can't be sexual with him. On top of that, I'm afraid he'll think less of me for failing last night."
"It comes down to being wanted and loved by a guy who impresses me. I'm easily hurt by not being able to impress him. I somehow wish I could erase yet another night."

(To [OE]) "I get home, surrendering to exhaustion, thinking about you... You're the guy I want, [OE]. That doesn't change because I get sexually flustered... I look forward to reading your writing, to holding you, to courting you, and knowing the essence of eudeamonia."

"I feel guilty and sad that I became so cold to him last Saturday night. This is made worse because this is the second time I've done this on a date. I feel like I'm sabotaging myself because I know I wanted to date him. Here was another opportunity I intentionally blew out of the water. What's wrong with me?"
"I'm looking for a permanent fix to my problem of making it difficult for those who want to shed light upon my darkness. I'm finding it hard to live like this desperately seeking and ruined by my own hands."

"I want someone to grin fiercely with pride when I dance. It's an awful feeling wanting to dance, dancing wonderfully, fearing the end when the music's over and it's time to go home alone with insecurities."

"When I arrived at the bar, I wanted to talk to other guys and genuinely get to know them. I felt like I was cheating on Joshua and wanted to not be dating him at that point, just so I could talk to other guys."
"I picked a fight with him... I challenged him and put up barriers between our present dating and future relationship. Despite the barriers (and they were pretty large), he came through positively... I realized I was testing him, but I still don't know why. It could have been because I was callous and wanted to cause him frustration. But I doubt it was just this because I put my own happiness at risk. ... I think I'm uncertain about what I want, and very hesitant about tying myself down and limiting my options."

"I used to call and text a weekly or biweekly basis to see if they wanted to have tea or breakfast. I may have gotten one call back... They greeted us at the bar and tried to give us hugs... And when they tried to stay close to [SNC] and I, we left them just like that. I knew before anything was said between us that I didn't like these persons anymore, despite how much I wanted to be their friends before. I guess I was a little mean... That was one ending no one could confuse for anything else. It hurt, and I don't want to be mean."
"He used the word "friend" with me a time or two before, and it actually gave me some hope he might be willing to be someone who could honestly care about me. So I went up to him when I saw him last night and he told me he was with someone. I don't remember what I said, if anything, but I walked past him. And later that night, I wrote down on a sheet of paper three words beside his names and burned it."