"My problem is that my nature contradicts many important points of the Bible... I always knew that I was gay... What this meant was that I had to avoid admitting this truth to myself and others (partly because I didn't want to be so different)... It also forced me to lie to the only people that chose to be around me. I didn't have a lot of friends in any of the places that I lived, and those ones that I did have were hard to keep."
"I avoid people in general because I haven't learned to deal with my feelings. Instead of owning up to the problem and confessing myself before everyone, I try to save face and take the cowardly, hidden away approach. I say that I don't want to hurt anyone but I do so willingly anyway just so that I won't hurt myself."

"I want to be special but only because I don't believe that I am special now... I just want to sleep and not wake up for another fifty years. What would the world be like? Why do I think about the future now--because I can't handle the present. I am the present. Wouldn't the present be with me in the future too. No matter what I do I can't escape myself--or can I. What to do?"

"...a world, different, holy, evil, and beautiful. This world is my life."

"I just want to be free to love who I want to love and I want to have that love reciprocated. This has never happened to me and I feel as if this world is against me... I suppose I am also very unapproachable to those who don't know me. I just don't like people who have outstanding, loud personalities. It seems so fake and utterly superficial. That disappoints me and makes me want to vomit."

"If I know a person for a very long time, at least I think, that person becomes too common, too ordinary... Another thing is that when someone begins to think that I am unique, or in some way special, two things happen to me. One, I lose my head and allow my pride to replace it. I get this unhealthy dose of self-righteousness that I cannot reject. Two, I start to think less of the person who sees me as unique, special. I think that precise thing happens because I don´t feel as if I am worthy of appreciation and am unfit for love."
"I think I have the capacity to be more superficial than anyone else, but I also work like a coin tossed in the air. And sometimes I´m flipped up and sometimes flipped down. I only wish I could control this process."

"I got so upset I started talking to myself and cursing this other person's existence... 'You deserve a break, sir,'... I kept repeating to myself until I started a sort of schizophrenic self-praising fit. And I tend to indulge myself when I'm that angry."
"/b//r/an/d//on or whatever name works"

"It impressed me that I've met so many people and have interacted with them so much more forthcoming and honest than I ever have in the past. I haven't lost my craving for substantial human relationships. I feel more comfortable not having that, even though it still discourages me from getting to know other people."

"I went to a club alone because I wanted to have a good time and not worry about how lonely I was."

"as always, I'm alone and I seem likely to remain that way for a long time. Neither my pain nor my luck changes; just my circumstances."

"I have these idealistic guidelines but so far, I haven't met many people who fulfill them. And I think I'm becoming bitter as a consequence of this... loss. I guess that means I'm weaker because I can't manage my life without someone else in it."
"I'm tired of being angry. I hate how I can see it pouring out of me when I talk to others. I hate going to frat meetings and jumping on people's case just because I'm upset about my life... My mind wants to wander toward someone else's life, toward someone else's love."

"I stand in front of the mirror concerned with how I look. I sit at my fraternity meetings concerned with what I'm saying, almost always disappointed... What use am I to myself if I'm no use to the world. I was never here to make it on my own. I feel like I was here for others."

"lately, I've been getting angrier and frustrated for no particular reason. In my mind, I'm picking fights with people, getting aggressive and sort of proud of it. It makes me feel worse, but I'm only satisfied if I'm fantasizing about it."

"I can't do anything right. I know these might all be petty issues, but I really feel inept, as if no matter how hard I try, this just isn't going to work out and I've been making really wrong decisions and somehow got off on the wrong bus to adulthood... It's at that point where no amount of failure will motivate me to do better. I'm just coming to accept that I don't know anything, especially anything about what I should do with myself."

"So much has changed in me this quarter century. I have grown and decayed spiritually. I have learned about consideration and its limits, fear, love, wonder, infatuation, patience, restraint, anger, and humor. No lesson has been harder to learn than love."
"I want to feel the excitement for what I have and better understand the value of whatever I'm reaching for. There is a taste of bitterness that I want to be rid of. There is a hollowness that I want to fill."

"I don't know who or what has caused it, but I realize I really hate people: sometimes, and often."
"I thought about how I wanted to spend my Sunday, how every time I made a movement away from my own selfishness, my mood changed rapidly from ease to fury, and how appalled and uncontrolled I could see it unfold. I've been this way for several days now. It's a look of ire I saw in a clerk's eyes, the isolation of work, and unending distractions my boyfriend cannot help but clutter his life with. I'm through with it all... Giving up, I feel withered and empty."
"Having forgotten what goodness it is to be alone, I realized how dim and foggy life is. I realized I may never be content or satisfied in this world, and that I may never really like people or feel appreciated by them."

"I'm also afraid I'm just not as honest with myself. (Sigh)... I think I've become more concrete in my ways, and more driven in my work habits. I've left the world of fantasy to a very small corner of my life. I see you and I'm jealous of how much innocence you've maintained. You're married, but your core is untouched. Mine feels banal with slow rot."

"All morning, I felt depressed for not having something planned, or someone to come home to, or that I did not have a home of my own (without my parents in it)... My muscles were tired from yesterday's workout, a workout I do to keep in shape for myself, but also to attract someone with whom I'm never satisfied. What felt great was letting go, and sleeping, and not existing in my routine but letting time roll over me as if I were outside it. I imagined, and healed, and I realize I need this quiet space for myself."

"You're right that I do spread my emotional support far, and that's because I don't want to collapse on one person. That can be a huge burden for just one person."
"I don't know why I need to feed myself to the caterpillars. Maybe I feel inadequately loved or accepted as a child and I am casting the net wide to fill that void. Maybe I'm practicing at building a network of power (power for what I do not know)."
"I still don't know who I am and I am still trying to figure that out... As I get older, I realize I have become softer towards people (because I don't want to hate anyone), and I have hated as a child and maybe still have a lot of hate inside me."
"I had a miserable time my first year in California. It got so bad that I called a suicide hot line not once but twice. I never even attempted suicide, I just needed answers to what was going on with me."

"You're right; I don't hug you when you're sad. The misogynist in me is quite hard to change, but I'm aware of that. I've even talked to my therapist about it and you know what he said: join the club."
"Here's my frustration: my passion for work is now seething resentment and bitterness. I keep thinking I would rather tear people's faces off rather than see another human being."